I often tell my teenagers that most bad behaviour comes from fear.
It sounded like a good and wise stance to take as a parent - some explanation that can help my kids identify and recognize (and perhaps even empathize with) the root of the incessant crappy things that teenaged kids do to each other.
Having an explanation for it seemed to neutralize the sting. When they could see that behaviour was driven not necessarily from malice but from the expression of a deep-rooted internal dilemma, it made it less personal.
Insecurity is rooted in fear. Deflection is rooted in fear. Aggression is rooted in fear.
Fear limits growth.
We behave badly towards ourselves, too. Even as adults.
We procrastinate, demand perfection before action, limit ourselves to tiny things that don't serve us, criticize ourselves, stay stuck in small places, restrict our creativity, give way to others in favour of our own needs, accept crappy behaviour, don't ask for what we're worth, and on and on.
If we examined our badly behaving selves like my kids do the high school bullies, we would see that our behaviour is, also, driven by fear.
We would think that as adults our fears are now more advanced, maybe more entrenched and evolved, but really...
(This sucks)
... they are simply the fears we have always held, with some wrinkles and an updated wardrobe that make you think they are new.
Fear's like that. It wants to keep you on your toes so you never get a chance to silence its power. Tricky little bastard.
When we limit ourselves as adults, in our business and our lives (because let's face it, our fears cross over and don't distinguish between Business Owner Me and Human Being Me), we're driven from something we are painfully afraid of, and it usually mimics what we've always feared:
Being judged.
Being humiliated.
Being told we're wrong.
Being exposed as a fraud.
Being rejected.
Being abandoned.
Being not enough.
Being unsafe.
Being seen as an outsider or rejected from our community.
Losing everything.
I'm sure there is more to add to that list, but these are the common ones I've seen over the years. They looked different when we were kids, but they have the same power now that they did then.
Possibly even more.
What did you do as a kid when you felt fear?
The options were:
- Run away and hide
- Avoid situations or be dismissive
- Get angry and react
- Fight
- Wallow in crippling anxiety
- Look for help
How you reacted was dependent on how you had been taught to handle stress, but also on how safe you felt.
What's different now?
Well, you've probably learned some coping mechanisms to reduce the impact of those fears, or you've developed a great masking ritual. But if you're noticing avoidance or resistance, chances are that those fears are still there.
Some growth-limiting triggers to watch for that are usually driven by fear:
Procrastination and perfectionism. Usually related to a fear of being judged, ridiculed, being wrong or being ashamed, procrastination and perfectionism can be absolutely crippling, and paralyze a business owner from the progress they are capable of.
Resistance to an activity. While we all get to have preferences, and I would never advocate doing anyting you just don't enjoy, ask yourself truthfully if this resistance is because of fear or personal preference. This can be tricky to distinguish but figuring it out could open up opportunities for you that you previously wouldn't allow. I've seen my clients completely resist a strategy that would be so helpful to their business due to these fears, and when they were able to work through them, were so relieved to be unencumbered and actually enjoyed their newfound strategies.
Resistance to feedback. No one likes criticism, especially when it doesn't feel warranted, but feedback can be immensely powerful, if delivered by a knowledgeable person in a supportive way. When we resist feedback, it's often from some old wounding that rubs up against our perception of our own value, and we fear being shown we aren't good enough.
Resistance to delegation. This one is so pervasive with entrepreneurs and can really limit growth. This comes from a fear of losing control, or an identity that says if we don't do everything ourselves, we aren't valuable, or we are wasteful. Clinging to perfectionism can lead to this resistance, too, because we think that one typo or one small mistake will make everyone think we are a huge failure. Additionally, this comes from a fear of not being able to trust others and that we will be let down or disappointed. Fear of being judged, fear of being humiliated, fear of not knowing enough, etc. - they all contribute here. Ironically, overcoming this one can massively change the trajectory of your business.
People pleasing. I can't tell you how many times I've seen my clients so angry with themselves that they are letting others walk all over them, or that they always prioritize others' needs before their own, or that they so desperately want acceptance that they tolerate behaviours or situations that don't serve them. This often comes from a fear of rejection, or not being enough.
Resistance to connection. Businesses are all built on relationships. That is and has always been true. In everything you do, you are creating relationship with others, either through content, direct engagement, indirect engagement or otherwise. So when you resist creating connections or engaging with others, you're putting the brakes on your progress and growth. This resistance often comes from a fear of rejection, a fear of being wrong or saying the wrong thing, a fear of being judged, or a fear of having to be something other than what you are.
There are many others but I think you get the drift.
Fear's a frustrating bedfellow, for sure. But it doesn't have to drive.
Just like my kids have learned to identify the source of their peers' behaviours in order to neutralize them and not attach them to a judgment of their own character, by recognizing that your symptomatic behaviours in your own business are actually derived from fear, you can begin to create a strategy to overcome them.
First, lead with empathy.
The very worst thing you can do to try and reduce the consistency of an ingrained behaviour or belief is to try and make it stop. When you're constantly berating yourself for what you're thinking and feeling, you're actually just giving those thoughts power.
Instead, look at yourself as you would a child. See that these are fear-driven behaviours. When we know another human is experiencing fear, we are far more likely to be empathetic than when we think their behaviour is simply a frustrating choice.
When we are empathetic with ourselves, we are quiet and calm. We move from judgment to curiosity and start seeking to understand rather than punish. We allow the feeling, and can examine it.
Next, identify the fear.
What is the fear? Where does it come from?
Try out a few hypotheses until you feel the "gut punch".
As above, fear is a tricky bastard. Sometimes it takes a bit of digging and a few rounds of "why" before we can get to the true heart of what causes us to shrink and hide.
I knew a business owner who continually resisted posting on social media, or putting themselves in a visible position for years, despite being an incredible writer with very thoughtful perspectives. She hid away even though she was serving some of the biggest names in her industry because she was so damn good at what she did.
For the longest time, her story was that she just "didn't like social media/podcasts/whatever".
After digging in to this for a while, she then uncovered that she was worried about being judged. Which was almost it, but actually, after more focused meditation on this and help from professionals, she realized that the true heart of her resistance was a very powerful fear that someone would specifically call her out online for being wrong, or a fraud, and that it would have catastrophic results for her business.
Now, the chances of that happening were very slim but to her the risk and associated trauma of that happening were too great and she stayed hidden for many years.
Take action, even if it's uncomfortable.
I'm happy to report that this same client is now consistently creating podcast episodes and writing and speaking publicly and it's GOOD. She's finding clients just because of her content and she's managed to wrangle that fear by taking action and proving to herself that what she dreaded was not going to come to fruition.
We have to prove to ourselves that the thing we fear is unlikely to happen (because that's usually true), or even more importantly, that if it does happen, we won't expire. We will develop the muscle to work through it, and change what it means.
Just like shame does not survive the light (thank you, Brene Brown), fear does not survive intentional action.
One of the most powerful shifts I have experienced in dealing with my own fears, is when I found a way to be supported and safe, with someone to help me work through my perspectives and beliefs, and to take action in a way that felt doable, taking one tiny step at a time.
To see my actions as curious little experiments rather than terrifying "step off the cliff" nauseatingly all-or-nothing leaps has helped me inch towards a new set of beliefs about what I can or cannot do, and what I will or will not attempt.
Designing this approach with a thought partner or coach who will hold that energy for you and support you in your experiments is an invaluable experience that will get you to a new definition of yourself as a human being and as a business owner.
Fear has big muscles, but a fragile ego.
Starve it of attention and influence, and it will skulk away into the shadows when it realizes it's outstayed its welcome.
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